Finding My Sexuality in Nudism

01/05/2015

This may not be an appropriate way to begin this entry, but during our journey of discovery into nudism, I found myself doing a lot of self-examination regarding my thoughts on many subjects pertaining to our newfound lifestyle. Through writing our blogs I’ve begun to reflect upon the changes being a nudist has brought to my life.  Pondering and digging deep into my psyche has developed new awareness within me and generated into consciousness many uncovered realizations of myself.

I am almost hesitant to write on this subject matter because so many non-nudists think nudism is all about sex. I don’t want anyone to come to the conclusion that once I became a nudist my morals changed and I suddenly became promiscuous and entertained sexual acts freely with anyone other than my husband. My self-discovery refers not to interactions with any other nudists but it is a revelation about me, how I felt about myself prior to and since becoming a nudist.

There is no exaggeration in the fact that I always felt insecure about my appearance growing up. Most young girls/adolescent women feel insecure, as they change from an undeveloped young girl into a woman with breasts and other body parts which attract members of the opposite sex. As a young female, we are taught to keep those private areas covered and keep ourselves pure and chaste so as not to draw attention to ourselves lest we be thought loose, cheap or easy.

As I matured and became a young woman, I was very uncomfortable with sexual advances from other young (and at times older) men. I felt so ill at ease and awkward and I was always carrying around fears of what might happen to me if I was too “easy” with my appearance. I was of my pre-teen years in the late part of the 1960’s and early 1970’s and if anyone was old enough to remember, it was definitely an important time in the sexual revolution. I heard many stories which were told about hippies and their free sex lifestyle, also tales of the drug scene and how it affected those who were participating in its use.

With those stories, came tales of young women who were being attacked and raped, as well as the treatment those women received after their abuse, and how they were scorned and persecuted while trying to bring their attackers to justice. A woman’s appearance and dress was usually brought into question when it came to defending her moral standing in the courts (not sure if it matters still, but it was surely the case when I was young). Needless to say, I was repressed when it came to attempting freedom from clothing, in great part for fear of being noticed or of standing out from the other girls with my sensuality or sexuality. I won’t go into the stories of the unwanted attention I received as a young girl, but they contributed to shaping my perceptions of myself.

Another factor which further influenced my cognizance was being raised in the church. My parents became deeply involved with religion when I was a young teen and though my parents themselves did not suppress us with conformance in attire, the pastor, deacons and other church members surely let one know if a person’s attire did not fit their picture of Christianity. With that said, I want to make one thing clear on this subject; I am not bashing the church with this statement. I love my faith and my beliefs which were instilled within me as a child. I do however dislike the judgment which seems to follow religion. I won’t say anything more regarding my beliefs lest I turn this into a forum on religion.

Through many confusing influences and chain of events, I grew to be a woman who feared defining and expressing my sexuality. It was almost as though there was a deep sense of it being wrong to be sensual or sexy. As the years went by and with every move I made, I always seemed to associate with the same type of individuals, those who felt the mindset that had been instilled within me from youth was the correct one.

I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking I wasn’t engaging in sex throughout those years (for I surely was) or that I was a prude (far from it), but I felt like I had to be prim and proper in public but when behind closed doors things were completely different. It was a confusing tightrope I was walking, and I always felt a fear of someday falling, that somehow the truth about my sexuality would someday be discovered and I would be shamed. The implication was, how I dressed was in one way or another attached to my sexual behavior in the eyes of the world (or at least in my little world) and I felt I needed to fit in or else be left out in the cold. It was as though I deemed myself as being deceitful by having two personas… the good prissy wife/mother in public… sexually serving mate behind closed doors and I didn’t like the feeling of insincerity I arrived at with this duality.

After a time I consoled myself by accepting the belief, alas, this was the way of the world, the way a good woman should behave… these were the duties of a virtuous Christian wife and mother. I never felt comfortable talking with other women about my intimate existence for fear they would think me an immoral person or slutty if I told them about my sex life. The whole conflict I dwelled in was simply too embarrassing to disclose to anyone.

Many years went by, and I got divorced.  After I met my wonderful husband Mark, we began testing the waters in nudity, at least behind closed doors (and I’m not talking about in the bedroom). I was still conflicted, for the dilemma hadn’t changed over being the good girl in public, the bad girl at home. But then something miraculous happened, we stumbled upon social nudity as an alternative for expressing our desires for natural freedom and for the first time in my life, I seriously considered nudism as an option. I don’t know how everything in our universe aligned so perfectly to bring such sweet accord within me, but giving it a try suddenly seemed to make sense.

With each resort visited and gathering attended, a great comfort was sensed between my husband and myself as we continued to appear at more functions. Mark repeatedly commented on how beautiful I looked on each occasion and he beamed with the most joyful smile each time he looked at me. He told me over and over again of a change he was noticing in me, one of great confidence within me. At first I attributed his comments to his delight over the freedom we felt in social nudity. But as each instance or opportunity to be socially nude occurred, I began to feel it too. It was a deeply felt confidence that stirred within me, one that made me feel jubilant all the way to my core. Something amazing had been awoken within and it was so much more than being confident. It wasn’t about feeling beautiful (though amazingly, I did feel a sensation of beauty within myself) and I just could not put my finger on what it was exactly.

One evening after we returned from spending the day at Mira Vista and retired for the evening, Mark and I lay in bed talking about the wonderful time we had enjoyed. As we continued talking, I began to describe what I was experiencing within me, and the only description which truly seemed appropriate for what I was feeling was sexy. I almost felt silly admitting such a feeling existed in me, but the more I thought about what I had confessed, the more I found myself relishing the sensation which accompanied my professed declaration… it was at that moment I decided to embrace it, to just go with it, and claim it… yes, I felt sexy and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that!

This statement of feeling sexy does not signify that I feel I’m able to get any man or that I feel alluring to all that set eyes upon me. It doesn’t suggest I am going to peruse every nude get together seeking to “hook up” with someone other than my spouse. Nor does it imply that I am conceited regarding my appearance, believing I am “all that and a bag of chips” (a phrase my children used when they were talking about conceited people). It’s simply a solid feeling of sexual confidence in who I am as a woman. No shame, no insecurities, it’s simply that I feel as beautiful as when God created me in his image and as I believe I appear in his eyes (clothed or unclothed).

I feel I have grown immensely with this realization. I have found my sensuality, I have discovered the confidence to be a woman who is at peace with herself completely nude and amazingly… I do feel sexy!

AZNudistCouple